Thursday, November 14, 2013

ABRAHAM LINCOLN Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith

Like I was just telling my brilliant nephew the other day, sometimes I just like to read something a little twisted.  Abraham Lincoln...vampire hunter?  Geez, how more twisted can ya get?  Seriously though, it's a well-crafted tale which turns history on its head.

I know this one's been reviewed a bazillion times by better folks than me and made into a movie, which I have yet to see.  But, I've been meaning to read it for a long time and just haven't had the chance, so here it is.
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It all starts when a modern dude, sidetracked writer, going through a mid-life crises because he hasn't done any of the things he meant to do makes a casual acquaintance with one of the customers at his small town store, a gentleman named Henry.  The gentleman shops at the store fairly regularly for quite a while and then finally one day the two chat.  The storekeep hasn't had anyone to listen in a very long time and he can't seem to help spilling out his life story. 
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But, Henry's a good listener and the reader discovers why later.
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The incident passes and the storekeep goes on with his dull life.  Then, one day a package of books shows up.  And one of the books claims to be the secret journal of Abraham Lincoln.
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Thus, the alternate history of one our greatest presidents unfolds.
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We've all heard how Abraham Lincoln had the idyllic frontier childhood, born in a log cabin, growing up running through the Kentucky woods, swinging an axe and shooting a turkey when he was just a kid.  It paints a lovely picture, but the vampire infestation is left out.
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About half-way to grown-up, Abe's mother and some relative die miserable, mysterious deaths.  In the throes of grief and drunkenness, his father explains how his own father was murdered by a vampire and how he'd said it was Indians.  He goes onto explain how he took out a loan from a pudgy little creep who turned out to be a vampire.  When he couldn't repay the entire amount on time, the little creep chomped his wife and other members of his family.
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Abe is furious!  First, he's enraged by the vampire murdering his beloved mother who had homeschooled him, believed in him in a time and area where education was not a top priority.  And, second, he's angry with his father for letting greed guide his hand, for being too stupid to foresee that he couldn't repay the loan when he first took it out, for letting his family suffer for his selfishness.
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Abe takes upon himself to train as a vampire hunter, although he's never really heard of such a thing and has no idea how to go about it.  He only knows that he wants vengeance.  He buffs up his body, swinging his axe, and braces his mind with all the best books he can find. 
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Then, one day his chance comes.  He writes a letter to lure the vampire creep back to their farm.  The little creep has no idea Abe is onto him.  Thusly, with his trusty axe, Abe makes a quick end of the little bloodsucker who murdered his mother, much to the shock of his dimwitted father.
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Abraham goes on with his young adulthood while secretly continuing with his efforts to destroy every vampire in America.  Then, he runs into an old chick he can't quite get the better of and is saved by a certain gentleman.
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Henry's been watching and he's impressed.  He rescues Abraham, although the latter has a hard time seeing it that way at first.  Given time and a lot of talk, the two become friends, vampire and human.  Henry reveals the vampire thing to Abe and says he'll help him find the bad ones.  And so the two part ways, but ever so often Abe receives a letter pointing him towards vampires who deserve a date with a rather sharp axe.
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Abe proves an increasingly skillful hunter, but its a trip to New Orleans which tips him off to a much bigger threat.  He's always been repulsed by slavery, but down in the deep South he discovers pompous windbags selling their old and disabled slaves to vampires, knowingly!  And the poor things suffer hideous deaths in the process of being fed upon.  If you've read about Elizabeth Bathory, the Bloody Countess   you know what I mean.  She was a real person many believed to be a vampire because of the way she murdered.  Anyway...

And so Abraham is set on the path to freeing the slaves, the path to destiny.  You probably know the rest of his mundane life.  He became a lawyer, got married, had kids, ran for office, and eventually became president of the United States.  But, that path was a lot rockier, and bloodier, than we ever knew, because of the vast vampire conspiracy. 
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So, I'll end it here.  This is an old release with a movie out, but I don't want to give away too much anyway.
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In case you're wondering, the vampires in this one are more sci-fi, nothing magical about them, just sort of another breed of human, but with fangs and claws when they get really ticked off or hungry.
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Much love, Blog Buds.
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P.S. If anyone else has some Alternative History, sent the ARC my way please ;)

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